Fruit Cots and English Cucumbers
by blondie AKA robin
Summary: My own crazy crackfic. A silly drabble about Esme and banana hammocks. Posted by request of Alice Laughed, in honor of Admittedly Obsessed.


_**Introduction by Alice_Laughed:**_

_This little drabble came about after a discussion of lemons on the forums at Twilighted. We were laughing at the overabundance of "slick folds" and other terms of that nature that are generally used by younger writers... kidsmut. And so I issued a challenge:_

Write a fic. Use the word "boner." Try not to laugh.

_As you will see, Blondie rose valiantly to the occasion. Pun most definitely intended._

p.s. this was written quite a while back, Alice_Laughed begged me to post it. Check out the banner over on twilighted dot net.

_

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_**Fruit Cots and Banana Hammocks**  
_

Nights in the Cullen household were hardly routine, and this night was no exception. Bella's presence did little to disrupt the vampire amusements going on around the room, and for once, even Edward was distracted by something other than his human girlfriend.

Bella stood and listened to Carlisle explain his theories regarding genetic manipulation and crossbreeding to Edward, but when the conversation included more Latin than English she lost interest. Carlisle's reference to a 'mangarine' sent her running for cover.

"Esme, what are you looking at?" Bella asked. She sat next to her soon-to-be mother-in-law while the rest of the family amused themselves around her.

Esme held the magazine open wide, then at arm's length, then turned it sideways. "I'm not exactly sure what to call it."

Bella leaned over and peered at the page, turning bright crimson only moments later. The rush of blood to her face got both Carlisle and Edward's attention, followed by Alice, who snapped her head around after recovering from her vision-induced stupor. "I... uh... um... don't remember... the name," she stammered.

As Bella suffered with her obvious embarrassment, Emmett and Jasper laughed loudly, whipping yet another unsuspecting online gamer.

Esme pulled the page closer, and her face shone with vague recognition. "It's called something like fruit cot or something... it has a type of bedding in the name," she said.

Rosalie's attention now turned to her mother. "What? A type of bed? Cot, king, twin, mattress, berth, pallet, lounge, hammock, settle, sleigh..."

"Hammock, that's it!" Esme said loudly, interrupting Rosalie's thesaurus listing. "It's a banana hammock," she said proudly.

Everyone in the room froze, and the only sound was the clattering of two game controllers hitting the floor. Bella looked around the room at six shocked vampires then buried her face in her hands, shaking uncontrollably.

"Isn't that right? Bella?" Esme asked, concerned.

"YYYYeeess," Bella said, now laughing hysterically. Edward was the first to join her, hearing the stunned thoughts of his mother.

"A banana… hammock?" Carlisle repeated carefully. As he stood and moved toward his wife, Jasper finally found his voice.

"Ah, you might want to brace yourself, Carlisle," he said, but then Emmett punched him.

"Shhhh," he hissed, watching for his father's reaction. "Wait for it," he said, his eyes dancing.

Carlisle stopped behind Esme and bent over to look at the photo. "Oh, my," he said, and his eyes grew as big as saucers. Alice's snickers blossomed into snorts.

Esme turned the magazine upside down and both hers and Carlisle's heads tilted to the left in unison.

As Carlisle's mouth hung open, Emmett was the next to explode with laughter. One by one, the rest of the family began giggling, leaving only Esme and Carlisle quiet... and confused.

Esme looked up at her husband and shrugged. "Maybe banana isn't right either."

"How about 'boner'," Emmett smirked. The sharp sound of Rosalie's hand hitting the back of his head made Bella jump, and the laughter swelled again.

Carlisle rubbed his wife's shoulders as she watched her children with a bewildered look on her face. He tried to comfort her as best as he could. "You had the name right, dear." He looked at the scantily clad male model one more time. "Although in his case, English cucumber might be more appropriate..."

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_End Note:_

_This is just a little diversion...and I am working on Dark Side of the Moon! The next chapter is in beta, should be up next week. Thanks to everyone for their patience!_

_Don't know what a banana hammock is? "You can Google it." 8-)  
_


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